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BEST SCOTTISH SHORT JOKE A bloke walks into a Glasgow library and says to the prim librarian, "Excuse me Miss, dey ye hiv ony books on suicide?" To which she stops her tasks, looks at him over the top of her glasses and says, "Git lost, ye'll no bring it back!" |
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World's Shortest Psychiatric Joke
A man walks into a psychiatrist's office wearing only underwear made of Saran Wrap. The psychiatrist says, " Well...I can clearly see your nuts."  make animated gifs like this at MakeAGif Never Fool With Old Men
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Your Heart is your Love,
Your love is your Family, Your family is your Future, Your future is your Destiny, Your destiny is your Ambition, Your ambition is your Aspiration, Your aspiration is your Motivation, Your motivation is your Belief, Your belief is your Peace, Your peace is your Target, Your target is Heaven!
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The Positive Side of Life
Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include a free trip around the sun every year. How long a minute is depends on what side of the Bathroom door you're on. Birthdays are good for you; the more you have, the longer you live. Happiness comes through doors you didn't even know you left open. Ever notice how the people who are late are usually much jollier than the people who have to wait for them? Most of us go to our grave with our music still inside us. You may be only one person in the world, but you may also be the world to one person. Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once. Don't cry because it's over; smile because it happened. We could learn a lot from crayons: Some are sharp, some are pretty, some are dull, some have weird names, and all are different colors... but they all exist very nicely in the same box. A truly happy person is one who can enjoy the scenery on a detour. Have an awesome day, knowing that someone thinks you're great and someone thought about you today!. |
An elderly man in Louisiana had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back. It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple, and peach trees. One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end. One of the women shouted to him, 'we're not coming out until you leave!' The old man frowned, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked.' Holding the bucket up he said, 'I'm here to feed the alligator...' Some old men can still think fast.
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THE FROG KERMIT
A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack. "Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday." says the frog. Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager. Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral. The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed. Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office. She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral." She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?" [ Are You Ready For This?] The bank manager looks back at her and says... "It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan, His old man's a Rolling Stone." [You're singing it, aren't you? Yeah, we know you are..... ] THE POTTY AND THE WISDOM OF A 3 YEAR OLD
A LITTLE THREE YEAR OLD BOY IS SITTING ON THE TOILET. HIS MOTHER THINKS HE HAS BEEN THERE TOO LONG, SO SHE GOES IN TO SEE WHAT'S UP. THE LITTLE BOY IS SITTING ON THE TOILET READING A BOOK; BUT, ABOUT EVERY 10 SECONDS OR SO HE PUTS THE BOOK DOWN, GRIPS ONTO TO THE TOILET SEAT WITH HIS LEFT HAND & HITS HIMSELF ON TOP OF THE HEAD WITH HIS RIGHT HAND. HIS MOTHER SAYS: "BILLY, ARE YOU ALL RIGHT? YOU'VE BEEN IN HERE FOR A WHILE." BILLY SAYS: "I'M FINE, MOMMY.. I JUST HAVEN'T GONE 'POOPIE' YET." MOTHER SAYS: "OK, YOU CAN STAY HERE A FEW MORE MINUTES; BUT BILLY, WHY ARE YOU HITTING YOURSELF ON THE HEAD?" BILLY SAYS: "WORKS FOR KETCHUP." There are times when not to take life too seriously!
Come on now, you grinned somewhere amongst these pages, we know you did !!! Smiling and laughing adds years to your life !!!
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